So, in the wake of reading this terrifying shit, Postcard and I started chatting, as you do, about the zombie apocalypse. Here are some things Postcard and I enjoy: zombie media, common sense, and YELLING ABOUT STUFF. Thus, for your reading pleasure, please enjoy our simple twenty-step guide to NOT DYING in the unlikely event that a zombie apocalypse ravages humanity:
- IN THE EVENT OF AN ACTUAL APOCALYPTIC SITUATION, ASSUME THAT THE FOLLOWING THINGS ARE GOING TO STOP WORKING: running water (this includes toilets); anything that relies on electricity (this includes gas pumps); anything that relies on natural gas lines (this includes gas stoves/central heat); basically, anything that relies on there being a factory of some variety at the other end of thing you want to make do stuff. THAT’S ALL GONNA BREAK. THIS INCLUDES THE INTERNET. Thus, the most important thing to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse is:
- RESEARCH. For as long as you possess the internet, do everything you can to learn as much as possible. Research edible/medicinal plants (or seriously, go into a bookstore and loot your shit a guidebook, they’re not large, they sell little tiny ones, you can put it in your pocket, WHY DOES EVERYONE IN EVERY ZOMBIE MOVIE NOT DO THIS). Research, from available information, how the zombies work/which of their senses are functional—for example, if they operate largely by smell, you want to work on smelling not alive. If they operate largely by sight, DON’T LIGHT FIRES AT NIGHT. And speaking of fires…
Also: The reason why I can’t watch the Walking Dead without blowing a god damned gasket.
Also also: I could seriously write an ode to motorcycles in the apocalypse. The amount of research I have invested in motorcycles-during-times-of-zombie is probably a little embarrassing (though I would never go back on it), and in addition to the points made here, you also need to remember that motorcycles:
- are designed for self maintenance, especially the American brands. Get yourself a Harley, and you can fix it with ANY OTHER HARLEY YOU FIND. Yeah, you’re going to have to learn the basics first, but motorcycles are designed with monkeying around in mind - cars are not.
- if you’re going anywhere near a vehicle during the zombie apocalypse, you’re an idiot. Where do you think those things are hiding? Under? In? YEAH. Cars are pretty much fucking death traps of Infection, get ye away from parking lots, highways, or anywhere else with a million abandoned cars.
- speaking of abandoned cars, what do you think can navigate between them? Motorcycles? Go figure. You don’t lose your passenger capability, and you can use your weapon simultaneously.
- there are ways (not great ways, but ways) to muffle the sound of a motorcycle. Not 100%, but far more than you can “silence” a car. Yes, it significantly reduces the lifespan of your engine, but since you’ve got a million replacement parts (see above) that’s not the end of the world. Which is what you are currently in. Suck it up.
AND SO MUCH MORE. UGH, MOTORCYCLES, GUYS. If you and I meet in the Zombie Apocalypse and you’re not riding a motorcycle, we will not be bunking together. I expect better from you. The end.